The Dead Company Club

The Company is Gone But We Live On.

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You Are Not Alone

August 11th, 2009 · Company profiles, War stories

notalone


“You are not alone.”                                                                                                                                         – Michael Jackson

In a Sigourney Weaver movie, “You are not alone” is a lot less comforting than it is here. There are lots of us, we who “used to work at…” Some of our former companies made a big enough splash with their final cannonball that they’ll be remembered for some time. In that spirit, here are two great articles that take a roll call of the best known companies who no longer exist.

2001 to 2009 was fertile ground for famous corporate bankruptcies.  Gary Bartzel begins with Pacific Gas & Electric in 2001 and covers the great collapses that hit the energy, transportation, communications and financial industries. He ends in 2009 with the annihilation of the Fortune 500 and business as a whole. Just kidding. Only part of the Fortune 500 tanked, but almost all the U.S. auto industry is vying for inclusion.

BloggingStocks.com also took a walk down memory lane and featured this group of defunct companies.  There are some classic names like DeLorean and Pullman (as in choo-choo). There’s a catch-all for “dot-com busts”. They didn’t forget the criminals’ hollow empires like ZZZZ Best, the Ponzi scheme disguised as a carpet cleaning company. Carpet cleaning? Pretty unimaginative but, on the plus side, the work jumpsuit fits about the same as the prison jumpsuit.

BloggingStocks.com reached way back, reminding us that company closures are not a new thing. Remember Standard Oil? Liar. It was shut down by the Sherman Anti-Trust act in 1911. Those wily bastards  split the company into three parts and named them Chevron, Exxon and ConocoPhillips (no relation). Perhaps this arrangement allowed Standard Oil to live on and compete with…itself?

There are more classic bits of Americana such as Burger Chef, PanAm and American Motors. If you were alive at the time, you can’t forget the Gremlin. How about that Pacer? AMC was a specialty manufacturer of truly ugly cars.

Ahhh, the good old days. What other companies do you remember fondly?

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Fairy Tale Bosses

August 4th, 2009 · Humor, Losing a job, War stories

sevendwarfs


“Do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell?”                                                                                                   – Snow White


Have you ever worked for a moron? Thief? Leech? Welcome to the club. If your company is dead there was a stinker somewhere, maybe even a full-blown level 5 toxic environment. Here’s the Seven Dwarfs Standard, developed when I had the misfortune of working for all of them at once. See which fairy tale character you worked for.

Happy: Optimistic beyond reason, only pays attention to good news. Blissfully unaware.

Nosy: Wants to know all the gossip. Calls meetings to brainstorm what other gossip-worthy things might be happening.

Stinky: Always kissing ass, will follow any order no matter how destructive it is.

Sleazy: Sells anything to anyone whether the customer needs it or not. Dodges phone calls from irate clients.

Bossy: Arrogant and derogatory. Doesn’t want anyone else’s opinion. Is often wrong.

Snoozy: Oblivious but pleasant. Employees envy him because they want to be like him.

Piggy: Power hungry, fills up at the expense of co-workers. Sucks the corporate teat until it’s dry.

How it works

The Seven Dwarfs dynamic is predictable. It goes like this.

1. Bossy: “The economy isn’t soft. That’s a bunch of crap. We’re going to build a huge office complex and Snoozy, you find out how to finance it.”

2. Nosy corners Bossy and asks who will be in charge. He then spends speeds through the office telling everyone and talking about why Bossy is an idiot for making his choice.

3. Sleazy goes to Salesforce.com and figures out who he can sucker into renting space in the new complex at a ridiculous rate.

4. Happy emails everyone the news, complete with smiley emoticons. Ignores the absurdity of the idea.

5. Piggy takes credit for the idea and schedules a boondoggle to Costa Rica and Riyad to check out similar complexes.

6. Stinky comes to Bossy’s office and tells him repeatedly what a great idea this is.

7. Nothing ever happens because Snoozy goes back to watching YouTube.

Repeat.

OK, which ones did you work for?

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What Could Possibly Close Next?

July 21st, 2009 · Losing a job, New members, War stories

varestareaclosed


YIKES. This was the prescient license plate of a former investment broker who can’t afford the car anymore. It’s my G-rated exclamation when I read about the growing stacks of worthless stock certificates, old employee IDs and the latest additions to the club.

American pastimes closed indefinitely

Closings have gone way beyond what you read in the headlines. Our pastimes and culture- loosely defined – are getting hammered. Across the country bookstores, opera houses, gyms, race tracks, daycare centers, even museums are getting whacked. Gone. It’s a true Catch-22. These businesses exist on discretionary income. But if your company closes, you don’t have discretionary income which causes these companies to close.

“Discretionary” redefined

And what the hell is happening to state and local government jobs? Schools are closing. DMV offices – yes, the quick service centers in New York – are closed. Prisons! Freakin’ prisons! And how about this one: Virginia closed 18 highway rest areas in the midst of summer travel. Only 19 are still open. The average distance between rest stops now: 120 miles.  The new state motto ought to be “Virginia is for lovers (and people with strong bladders, parents be strongly advised.)” Are these really discretionary services?

Get a GPS

If you’re thinking “Oh, I’ll just stop at the next exit,” let me share some experience. The facilities at fast food stops and convenience stores aren’t designed for summer travel volume. You’ll need a GPS to find your way to the nearest library or state park to use their services – if they haven’t cut back their hours. At least Garmin, the GPS leader, will still thrive. Ironic that their stuff is manufactured in Taiwan. Now that’s a pisser.

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New Job Award Winners

July 16th, 2009 · Coping, Finding a job, Motivation, War stories

firstplaceflickrevelynishere

“Success is not built on success. It’s built on failure. It’s built on frustration. Sometimes it’s built on catastrophe.”

-Sumner Redstone, majority owner of CBS, Viacom, MTV Network, Paramount Pictures and DreamWorks studios

I was taught that there are winners and losers. You didn’t hear any of that sissy “Everybody’s a winner, Sweetie!” nonsense in my ‘hood. We kept score during our games.

Our job search winners are…

In that spirit I am announcing the winners of the Corporate Reemployment Awards Program (CRAP). They all came from organizations that failed or otherwise died of natural causes. They experienced the same fears and feelings as the rest of us who found ourselves treading water in a crowded sea of unemployment. Some accepted the challenge and vaulted to greater success, showing character that really shines. Others failed spectacularly. So without further ado, here’s the list.

Winner, Biggest Leap Up The Ladder: Chad Fulgham, formerly of Lehman Brothers, now the CIO of the FBI.

Winner, Most Challenging Career Change: Andy Neff, former Senior Managing Director at Bear Sterns, now full time student of the Torah. Says Andy, “Is this comfortable? No, it’s really not comfortable, it’s disorienting,” but I find it unfortunate that people tend to focus on how much they lost. Coming out of every situation, you need to focus on what you have, not on what you lost.” Amen, Brother.

Winner, Most Reformed: David Walker, former partner at Arthur Andersen who became the Comptroller General of the United States. He subsequently resigned over the “declining moral values” within the U.S. Government which, ironically, is who shut down Arthur Andersen for their accounting ethics.

Winner, Most Dramatic Career Change: Taria Reed, former Enron employee turned Playboy model. Taria’s acceptance speech: “It was personal for me, empowering (and) gave me a little bit of self-assuredness.” Taria gives new meaning to “getting back on your feet.”

Winner, Most Publicly Humiliating Rebound Job: Alberto Gonzales, former Bush Administration U.S. Attorney General, now the professor of a single political science course at Texas Tech University. Gonzales, the most powerful lawyer in the US, said he was “unable to interest law firms in adding his name to their roster.”

Winner, Biggest Loser: Rebecca Mark, former CEO of Enron International, now isolating on her Ranch in New Mexico. “Just say that I’m sitting out here watching the elk migrate across the mesa and raising my cattle.”

Winner of The Job We All Want: He’s only known as “John S.” and he says “I make a little less money, work less, have less work-related stress, great benefits and enjoy my work like never before.” Read more at Alison’s Job Searching Blog.

Do you know someone who should be nominated for our next round of awards?

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The 7 Causes of Happiness

July 10th, 2009 · Coping, Motivation, Solutions

happywatermelon

“When you are unhappy, is there anything more maddening than to be told that you should be contented with your lot?”                                                                                  Kathleen Norris

If your company is gone and you’re unemployed, a noted doctor has figured out why you may be unhappy. Dr. Norman M. Bradburn conducted a psychology study at the University of Chicago back in the 1960′s. He found that employment was a key discriminator between happy and unhappy people. Fear of unemployment weighed heavily in the unhappy camp too. No kidding.

But – very importantly – Dr. Bradburn found plenty of unemployed people were happy. He attacked this oddity like a pit bull and ultimately found that social interaction was the key to happiness, regardless of employment status.

Are you social?

Dr. Bradburn measured social interaction by seven factors, all reducible to a number:

1. Organizations belonged go
2. Phone calls per day
3. Distance traveled from home in the past week
4. Meetings attended
5. Friends visited
6. Auto rides taken
7. Restaurant meals eaten

The more of each, the merrier.

Test yourself.

If you’re unemployed and unhappy, ask yourself:

  • Are you isolating?
  • Getting away from your keyboard?
  • Networking in person?
  • Escaping the house?
  • Calling friends, even those that are employed?

Extra credit

From experience I would add:

Are you getting outside to walk or do other exercise at least once a day? It’s proven to change the way you feel. Plus daylight and the wind in your face are healing.

Of course, you can hold as tightly to unhappiness as you wish. I wallowed in my dirty diaper for too long and it didn’t do any good. It’s your choice. I know which one I prefer.

What makes you feel better when your self-esteem has cracked and you’re feeling like a victim of circumstances beyond your control?

Laurie Phillips is very happy being her own boss as a freelance writer for Sundance Research.

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