The Dead Company Club

“Do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell?”                                                                                                   – Snow White

Have you ever worked for a moron? Thief? Leech? Welcome to the club. If your company is dead there was a stinker somewhere, maybe even a full-blown level 5 toxic environment. Here’s the Seven Dwarfs Standard, developed when I had the misfortune of working for all of them at once. See which fairy tale character you worked for.

Happy: Optimistic beyond reason, only pays attention to good news. Blissfully unaware.

Nosy: Wants to know all the gossip. Calls meetings to brainstorm what other gossip-worthy things might be happening.

Stinky: Always kissing ass, will follow any order no matter how destructive it is.

Sleazy: Sells anything to anyone whether the customer needs it or not. Dodges phone calls from irate clients.

Bossy: Arrogant and derogatory. Doesn’t want anyone else’s opinion. Is often wrong.

Snoozy: Oblivious but pleasant. Employees envy him because they want to be like him.

Piggy: Power hungry, fills up at the expense of co-workers. Sucks the corporate teat until it’s dry.

How it works

The Seven Dwarfs dynamic is predictable. It goes like this.

1. Bossy: “The economy isn’t soft. That’s a bunch of crap. We’re going to build a huge office complex and Snoozy, you find out how to finance it.”

2. Nosy corners Bossy and asks who will be in charge. He then spends speeds through the office telling everyone and talking about why Bossy is an idiot for making his choice.

3. Sleazy goes to Salesforce.com and figures out who he can sucker into renting space in the new complex at a ridiculous rate.

4. Happy emails everyone the news, complete with smiley emoticons. Ignores the absurdity of the idea.

5. Piggy takes credit for the idea and schedules a boondoggle to Costa Rica and Riyad to check out similar complexes.

6. Stinky comes to Bossy’s office and tells him repeatedly what a great idea this is.

7. Nothing ever happens because Snoozy goes back to watching YouTube.

Repeat.

OK, which ones did you work for?

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