The Dead Company Club

“Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.”

Do you sound silly because you’ve fallen into the bad habit of business speak? You may have absorbed some fancy boardroom gibberish at your last job and are propagating it unknowingly in your resume, interviews, or even worse, at home. As a public service, take this short self-evaluation.

1. Do you want to ping someone?

“Ping” is an ancient computer command known only to super geeks in which computers check up on each other. It pre-dates Windows and Macs. Like a bad dream about my computer programming days, I started hearing it replace “talk,” “email,” and “instant message.” There’s no human communication in a ping. Have people become completely depersonalized? Well…

2. Do you refer to people as “resources?”

Since when did “resources” replace people? At work you’re understood when you say, “How many resources are you going to lay off this week?” At home you might not get the desired result when you say “I need two resources to help me pick up the rabbit corpse.” What you’re probably going to get is a shovel and an empty box, not volunteers.

3. Has your data has been impacted?

A literate friend was kind enough to point out that teeth and colons can be impacted. Data can not be impacted, nor can resources. Affected? Yes. Which image do you prefer?

4. Do think there’s a “value add” when a doctor moves into the neighborhood?

You’re really sick if you use this one.

5. Have you run out of bandwidth to keep up with all the job boards?

Huh? Are you a computer cable?

You might think business buzzwords make you sound professional, experienced and wise. Stakeholder. Downstream. Synergy. Sorry, but you’re adopting artificial, 8-cylinder words and ignoring the proven effectiveness of simple everyday English. Is it easier to listen to someone pontificate about the synergy of a deal, for instance, when what they’re really talking about are the benefits?

There is a solution.

Rehabilitation isn’t painful. A software utility called “Bullfighter” (www.fightthebull.com) is an add-on to Microsoft Word that busts you for using business jargon, providing very funny reasons why you’re amiss. For instance, Bullfighter will tell you that a “stakeholder” is “person with a spear in hand.” The program also suggests alternatives. “Bandwidth” can be replaced with “time” or “capacity”.

Bullfighter is free. It saves you from sounding silly, and can also provide hours of amusement by running it on some of your old, prized work product (bull for “documents”).

I used to play Business Bullshit Bingo with a colleague. When we were on conference calls we’d text BINGO! when someone used five of these words.  So if you sound like a fresh MBA trying to impress in the boardroom, take this opportunity to retrain. Let the business bull die with the company. Someone may be playing “bingo” when you’re talking.

Laurie Phillips is only partly rehabilitated but her bull quotient stays in control as long as she gets lots of fresh air.

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