Dear Sirs:
Thank you for your recent job offer. You’ll enjoy my direct, no-nonsense approach to my work beginning right now. My experience with my previous employer’s collapse compels me to ask a few quick questions about your business to qualify your offer.
1. Is your accounting department encouraged to be “creative?”
2. Have you stolen company or client funds in the last 24 months? How about the last 48 months?
3. Are you shorting your own stock? This is similar to short-sheeting your employees.
If your company folds – highly unlikely I’m sure – or is acquired on the cheap by a hostile competitor with a bad attitude toward redundant employees, I’ll need some assurances. I’d like to have a prenuptial agreement of sorts to cover the situations I’ve experienced when my former employer failed. The agreement should include:
1. Health Insurance: You will pay all health insurance premiums and out of pocket costs if you leave me stranded. Let’s face it: COBRA is a little silly. If I took the job for the benefits, how am I going to pay for the benefits if I lose the job?
2. College Expenses: College costs are covered for all children conceived during my employment, as well as future children where I fantasized about the conception process while I was employed.
3. Ex-Employee Assistance Program: Therapy – for me, the family and pets – is provided for life.
4. Standard of Living Clause: I will have unlimited, paid use of the corporate credit card for 12 months after I lose my job. Studies prove its unproductive to buy groceries using Monopoly money.
5. Sociopath Prevention: Through the corporate travel agency, you will guarantee an all-expense-paid vacation as part of the severance package. It’ll help keep me from planning retaliation.
It’s risky to take a corporate job right now. Since I’m a little gun-shy, a little more salary might sweeten the pot. Another 25% should do it.
I look forward to your reply and updated offer.
Sincerely,
Impish O’Flannagan
P.S. Please CC: my attorneys, Ketchum, Guttim and Eatem, on your response.
Terry Barker // May 1, 2009 at 6:06 am
Another good one. I just tried my negotiation tactics with a company in real life. They laughed. I’ll have to try yours.
Laurie Phillips // May 3, 2009 at 6:28 am
Let us know which of these tactics work and if so, who the employer is so we can spread the word!
kristin // May 9, 2009 at 6:07 am
oboy – I would hire you in a heartbeat. You are an inspiration for me to get ’some kind’ of job, just to hire you.
You go, girl…