The Dead Company Club

Was your company failure unjust? Did you get the shaft? Too bad. Hop off your pity pot and get something to do. These suggestions are economical and will help you detox from the adrenaline of your high-powered past.

• Watch birds while everyone else is at work. Helicopters and falling leaves count as birds in a pinch. If you’re still on your pot, here’s an alternative Bird Watching 101.
• Visit the local tourist attractions. Ask for the senior citizen price.
• Apply for social security stating that you were a dependent of a deceased company.
• Have lunch at an outdoor cafe. Order a house salad and water. Eat all the crackers and sugar. Leave an IOU for a tip.
• Take up kick boxing. Offer to teach the class in order to get in for free. Look for fitness instructor attire in the lost-and-found. Mutter about your irresponsible kids, real or imaginary, while you’re doing it.
• Plant a garden (spring), shoot the rabbits eating the garden (summer), eat the pumpkins and zucchini that rabbits don’t like for good reason (fall), shoot the birds once you tire of watching them (winter).
• Go to the golf course on demo days and hit balls at the range while testing clubs. When it becomes obvious what you’re doing, tell the sales rep that you have to go get your wallet and bolt.
• Wear a short-sleeved shirt to the mall. Sit on the edge of the fountain and fish out coins when no one is looking. Buy a Cinnabun when you’re flush.

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