The Dead Company Club

Once you’re unemployed, people expect that you will talk like a normal laid-off person. There are two sets of rules: those for everyday use and those for interviews. I’ll cover everyday speak here.

• Use only exclamations or questions. If you’re writing, repeat punctuation marks. It’s OK to switch back and forth or just focus on one mode at a time. For instance:

OK: “WTF! How did this happen? Dammit! What am I supposed to do now? Pisser!”

ALSO OK: “What???? You want what for Valentines Day? Do you know what just happened to my job? Do I look like Daddy Warbucks???

• Curse. Profanity is expected and doesn’t count as cursing if you were just laid off. Once you’re re-employed, follow the rules for interview grammar (How to Talk, Part Two). Exception: Do not add extra words after “God” while in church. However, you’ll probably be in the All-Question mode there anyway.

In case you haven’t littered your professional conversations before, there are very versatile curse words available. Here is an excellent tutorial on the many ways you can use the F-bomb in everyday speech.

• Jam your sentences with repetitive adjectives and adverbs, ignoring William Zinsser’s otherwise excellent advice in On Writing Well. For example:

OK WITH ZINSSER BUT NOT OK WITH US: The company fired everyone.

OK: The moronic idiots running that confederacy of dunces murdered, dissected and dined on their own. (No offense meant to John Kennedy Toole.)

I can’t overemphasize this last rule. You must apply adjectives and adverbs liberally right now. If you repress, you regress.

• Talk like a pirate on occasion. You might be able to add another language to your resume if you keep at it. Some examples of how to make the transformation:

  THE OLD AND BORING WAY:  “I’ll go apply for that [insert undesirable job here] job as soon as I’ve finished my coffee.”

  THE PIRATE WAY: “Aye aye! (low growl)”

  I was very well prepared for National Talk Like A Pirate Day (September 19th each year). Since I’m not a very convincing pirate, I’ll leave it to the experts to share their advice.

  Call your friends, sorta-friends from work, or mere former business associates and practice your new lingo. This is not only normal: it’s also proof that only the company died: you didn’t. Now go say three “shits” and two F-bombs and you’ll be well.

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