The Dead Company Club

To the Editors
The Dead Company Club

Dear Sirs:

Please consider me to be a writer for your blog. I am perfect for the job. Here’s why.

1. I was a corporate chameleon at a company that was the icon of its industry when it was suddenly shut down by the SEC and Department of Injustice. Almost 90,000 people lost their jobs. The media’s flamethrowers quickly wiped out any dignity that remained. Many people, both within and outside the company, suffered crushing financial losses. My primary responsibility was to develop enough flexibility to kiss my ass goodbye without muscle strain. I also developed a great rapport with the IRS.

2. My rebound job was with a hedge fund that did very well for its clients by timing the market. When Eliot “I Don’t Have To Be Ethical But You Do” Spitzer got out of bed and decided market timing was wrong, my primary responsibility became making copies of records for the SEC before the company vanished.

3. After my career bounced along the bottom for a few years, I finally got a respectable position with a major financial institution who should’ve known better than to hire me. Within a year their stock price went from $60 to $0.94 before being swallowed by a healthier financial giant.

At that point I had a moment of clarity and realized I should be focused on what I’m really good at, which is sharing my experience with others whose companies have died. I’ve found out it’s not all that bad, really.

I hope you will consider me for a position there. Companies are dying everywhere, my experience is becoming commonplace, and I can’t get work anywhere else.

Sincerely,
Impish O’Flannagan

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Dear Impish,

You have the job. You can start on Monday.

The Editors
The Dead Company Club

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